Fear and Loathing in Shorter, Alabama

Forgive me readers, for I have sinned.  It has been nearly two weeks since my last confession entry.  I'm pretty sure I haven't even uploaded a single mixtape this year.  Yet.  That's not to say I haven't made one or two or seven, they just haven't gotten uploaded.  I know this sounds like an excuse, but I've been working a lot...  I barely have a social life anymore.  And I've been experimenting with new music and rediscovering forgotten artists.

picture not related to anything other than being fucking awesome.

Okay, so most of that is bullshit.  I've just been kind of lazy lately.  I end up coming home from work, watching a movie, playing video games, taking too much nyquil, and sleeping into a dream coma.  Well, that's what happened yesterday, anyway.  I find that if I don't force myself to do something regularly, it turns into this kind of situation we find ourselves in right now.  So far, this is a blog post about my failures as a blogger.  So far, this is a stream of consciousness.  The words that pop in my head are translated into finger strokes and words on the computer screen.  I'm listening to the Silversun Pickups again.  Again?  Did I ever stop??  I should start painting again...  This is getting pointless......

Last time we spoke, I was excited about going to see Best Coast, Wavves, etc, blah blah blah, you already know about this part.  The show was fucking awesome.  Wavves closed with my favorite song, played a bunch of really good ones in the middle, and I think there was probably a cover in there somewhere.  I can't exactly recall because I was too immediately intoxicated to file it away in my long term memory.  Best Coast was a different story.  I don't know what I was expecting, but it surpassed it by a factor of 124%.  They pretty much played every song you could have wanted them to play.  I can't remember a single song off of Crazy For You that didn't get played in there somewhere.  Scattered amongst the mix were a few gems from earlier EPs and 7"s (notably "That's The Way Boys Are" and "Sun Was High (So Was I)").  Their sound is even better live and Bethany is just plain adorable.  That's all I have to say about that.

if this don't make you happy, get the fuck outta here

And now it's time for another picture story!  Are you excited?  Cause I sure am.

So last friday, I got off work and texted the homeboys to let it be known that I had the whole weekend off for the first time since starting this job.  Tyler's suggestion was that we drive across the border to Alabama and hit up the casino.  The motion passed unanimously, and frankly, I had my sights set high.  I had just gotten paid and realized pretty quickly that I could afford to spend $100 and still be on pace to get the car I'd just found at a used lot by the end of the month.

1995 Mercedes C280.  classy as fuck

Needless to say, I was stoked.  I'm a secret ninja at blackjack and have known the basics of card counting since I was about 14.  I'd been to a casino only once before, in Mississippi and it wasn't all that great.  For some reason though, I knew this would be different.

what I was expecting.  not literally the Bellagio, but fancy fountains and lights and stuff.

I knew I was going to make a fortune at the tables.  We were going to clean these suckers out and next time, we'd go to Vegas and do it up right.  We were going to drink at the bar for free, I was going to quadruple my money, and we were going to get comped a night at what must surely be the finest hotel in the state (in retrospect, even the finest hotel in Alabama can't be too great).

doin' work.

I was going to win enough to buy that car, a new bass, and a lot of cool shit.  Strippers and alcohol, the works.  I think you get where I'm going with this.  Weezy was going to deliver a briefcase full of money to me at the craps table.

evidently this is an average day in Wayne's life.

Late that night, however, I learned that in the proud state of Alabama, casinos are not popular with the lawmakers.  The one we were planning on going to had been raided by the governor's special anti-gaming task force several times in the past six months.  I then discovered that Alabama casinos do not have table games, just pure games of chance, and that by law, their slot machines must be called "bingo" machines in order to stay within a legal loophole.  My reaction?

WHAT

THE

I was somewhat less than pleased.

But then, Tyler told me they had dogs and a racetrack, so I kind of changed my attitude.

yes, there is a strategy to picking the right dog.  pick one that's not fat, looks strong, and takes the biggest dump before the race.

I thought the dog track angle was pretty cool at least.  It might be kind of seedy and frowned upon by animal rights activists, but dammit, this is gambling, and I was looking for a good time.  If I could make money picking dogs and playing slots while drinking for free, then I'm calling it a good day.  In a worst case scenario, it played out kind of like the Hangover and we all have a lot of fun at least.

we didnt' find a baby, but I might have stolen a cop car on the ride home

So, after 3 hours driving and much anticipation, we walked in and... well... this is what we got.

at least you can smoke indoors here

Old people and poor folks all winning the money that rightly should have been ours in games of chance. You can spend lose a lot of money very fast at a casino.  I found this out by losing nearly $100 in the first 45 minutes after sitting down.  I ended up hitting what would have been (I'm told) a $2000+ jackpot had Tyler not convinced me to quit wagering $3 on every pull of the slot machine.  In the end, I barely broke even and covered most of my expenses for the trip.  I smoked way too many cigarettes, had a few free beers and a surprisingly good bbq sandwich, and learned a valuable lesson.

That lesson?

Stay the fuck out of Alabama if you can avoid it.  Unless you like good barbecue and college football, in which case, proceed.  That's actually probably unnecessarily harsh, all things considered.  I did have a good time, but I'm not sure how I'd play it if I had it all to do over again.

Next time, we're rolling to Biloxi, Mississippi in a white Benz.  Consequences be damned.  I'm letting it all ride on the next hand.