Mixtape #5.1: "Christmas Blues (side B)"

Hello there.  It's me again.  Another mixed bag of blues power and hoodoo mojo straight from Santa's sleigh for you.  The same mix of traditional and contemporary ballads of loss, regret, and selling one's soul to the devil.

I don't know about you lot, but christmas day for me has been an endless buffet of home cooking and action films.  Salt is good.  Really good.  Angelina Jolie is kicks positively ludicrous amounts of ass in a movie that feels equal parts Bourne Identity and Tom Clancy.  The Expendables is pretty much just a two hour orgy of violence and steroids.  So needless to say, it's been an interesting experience.  No white christmas this year.  Just rain.  And blood.  And turkey.

So what did you get this year??  Aside from an awesome collection of questionably legal free blues songs you found on some dude's blog, that is...  Me??  I got a new xbox controller that looks like it belongs to Darth Vader, some truly awesome books, and a pony.  Okay, granted, the pony is plush.  And  I got it for opening a new savings account at the bank the other day.  Still though, it's the thought that counts.  I've been asking for a pony for years, but mostly as a joke.  I never really thought anyone would take me seriously.  Also, I ordered some new glasses so I won't look like a god damn fool when I don't wear my contacts.

Evidently his name is Lightning.  Yeah, he's got a saddle, but I don't think I can ride it...

I've got some great advice posts I'm planning the coming days... weeks...  what the fuck ever.  I'll give you a hint:  it's not at all practical, but I hope it'll be good for a laugh, and it will most definitely make you cooler.  Not quite as cool as a polar bear's toenails, but cool enough to catch that not-so-subtle Outkast reference and give a knowing nod.

Polar bears:  cuddly, majestic, and unfuckwithable.  wait... holy shit, is he eating a whale??

Well, I'm running out of interesting words to type and I want to make sure this actually gets posted before midn-  Wait.  Hold the phone.  It is snowing.  And I have just been informed that this is the first time since records were first established that snow has been recorded and seen in Macon, Georgia on christmas day.  It really is a christmas miracle.  And on that note, it is time for me to take my leave so I may fatten myself up for the winter with plenty of Reese's pieces and cigarettes.

You stay classy, Denmark.


1) "Since I've Been Loving You" - Led Zeppelin
2) "Tombstone Blues" - Bob Dylan
3) "All Hands Against His Own" - the Black Keys
4) "Can't You Hear Me Knocking" - the Rolling Stones
5) "Nobody Knows You When You're Down And Out" - Derek and the Dominoes
6) "Cocaine Blues (live at Folsom Prison)" - Johnny Cash
7) "Mistreating Queen" - Radio Moscow
8) "Death Letter Blues" - Son House
9) "Me and Bobby McGee" - Janis Joplin
10) "Catch Hell Blues" - the White Stripes
11) "Where Did You Sleep Last Night" - Huddy "Leadbelly" Ledbetter
12) "Cross Road Blues (take 2)" - Robert Johnson
13) "Hear My Train A Coming (live at the BBC)" - the Jimi Hendrix Experience

Mixtape #5: "Christmas Blues (side A)"

Hello, loyal readers!!  No, I have not forgotten you.  The past... span of time has been rather hectic and the world is ripe and full of upheaval.  I moved, I've been working, and I literally had to wrestle a bear in order to get internet properly connected and established at my new place of residence.  I promise that I have been (not so) hard at work trying to make it up to you for seemingly disappearing and leaving you dangling on a precipice of anxiety.  Man... that's a good phrase.  I better trademark that shit before anyone steals it from me.  Violence will befall you if you steal my phrases from me.  That's not a threat, just sayin' is all.

Anyway, I'll tell you some cool stories about what's been going on (if I feel like it) later.  Right now, I have a super surprise for you.

As you may or may not have realized, the holiday season is upon us.  Personally, it snuck right the fuck up on me.  Which is okay, because I kind of hate loathe christmas music and most christmas movies (Grinch & Christmas Story aside, that is).  It's really the commercialization and all that nonsense more than anything. I mean, I like getting presents and all that, don't get me wrong.  Hell, I even like giving them.  But since I'm not any good at being a secret computer hacker and I can't individually track every single person who's read, visited, or said nice things about my blog, I'm going to just give you all one really awesome blanket present.  Today, loyal reader, I give you the gift of the blues.  Special limited edition double mixtape featuring 26 of my favorite blues traditionals, improvisations, and modernizations from an assortment of artists, thieves, murderers, and other various undesirables.

Now, I wanted to use a pretty loose interpretation of what the blues actually was here, so we've got a seriously awesome mixed bag of goodies.  Every decade from the 20's to the 00's is represented between side A and side B (which you'll have to wait for until tomorrow.  come on now, I can't spoil christmas for you completely...).  80+ years of traditional spirituals, blues folk, slide guitar, and electric church, every ounce of it extra dirty, a little mean, and double-plus good.  And if you don't agree that every one of these songs is 100% blues, feel free to engage me in a fruitless argument in the comments section.

So if you get done singing christmas carols and you've got a snarl on your face, or you wake up tomorrow morning and find a lump of coal in your stocking, then download some of this goodness on your new computer, listen to it on your new ipod, and then go write a song on your new guitar about how much your new christmas sweater blows.  If this shit doesn't wipe away your christmas blues, then I'll give you a 100% money back guarantee.  Just pay the postage and handling.

Run with it.  And you better enjoy it, because there's plenty more where this came from.


1) I Can't Quit You, Baby (live at the BBC) - Led Zeppelin
2) Baby, It's You - Smith
3) In My Time Of Dyin' - Bob Dylan
4) Sweet Home Chicago - Robert Johnson
5) Dying Crapshooter's Blues - Blind Willie McTell
6) Nobody But You - the Black Keys
7) The Weight - the Band
8) Dust My Broom - Elmore James
9) John the Revelator - Son House
10) I Fought Piranhas - the White Stripes
11) Red House - the Jimi Hendrix Experience
12) Staggolee - Mississippi John Hurt
13) The Ballad of Curtis Loew - Lynyrd Skynyrd

oh noes! we gots troblems. (picture most definitely related)

For reasons beyond my understanding or control, my brain occasionally fails me.  And I don't just mean in situations where I'm probably drunk or standing far too near a pretty girl (although the things that come out of my mouth on those occasions defy all logic and reason).  Over the years, one recurring way that this seems to happen is when I am trying to speak and think at the same time.  Clearly, these are two incredibly complicated tasks.  It's not that I don't think before I speak, in fact, it's quite the opposite.  Sometimes I think way too much before I speak.  Let me demonstrate with an example of what goes on inside my head versus what my mouth ends up saying during a typical conversation.

Brain:  Oh dear.  This seems to be a problematic situation that this individual is describing to me.  Very troubling indeed.  Hmm... is this trouble or a problem?  Oh god.  She's looking at me like I should be saying something.  Wait, am I supposed to be agreeing or disagreeing?  Fuck.  This shit's way too hard. Oh no, I still haven't said anything.  This is distressing...  Quick!  AGREE!!

What actually comes out:  Buuuuhhh... I, uh, well you gots troblems... ??

I end up being totally incapable of choosing between one of two words, sometimes words that don't sound anything alike or have any kind of similar meaning and before I can decide which to use, the words are already coming out of my mouth and it's too late to not sound like a drunk retard.


Lately though, my brain has been finding new and interesting ways to keep me from succeeding in... well, in pretty much anything.  Case in point:  I am pretty god damn sure I have ADHD of some kind.  Wait, are there even multiple kinds of ADHD??  I don't know.  I am not a scientist.  Please do not judge me.

Anyway, I have got way too much energy.  When the mail comes, I sprint to the road and then jump back like a 5 year old girl who's had a few too many pixie sticks to be able to sit still, even though it's probably just some stupid political fliers and maybe a reader's digest (which is just a filthy, stupid publication, by the way).  Shit, I lost my train of thought.  See what I mean?  I got distracted by a television commercial that had a submarine.  And then for some reason I started thinking about bears.  And then I just HAD to put on my fingerless gloves so I could feel like a hobo when I go outside to smoke my cigarette.  Is it possible for ADD to come on later in life?  I don't know about that.  Someone smarter than me is gonna have to answer that question.

Anyway, I'm tired of talking about this and it's really cold out here.  So I'm gonna finish my menthol.  You just keep doing what you do.

Seacrest.  Out.