oh noes! we gots troblems. (picture most definitely related)

For reasons beyond my understanding or control, my brain occasionally fails me.  And I don't just mean in situations where I'm probably drunk or standing far too near a pretty girl (although the things that come out of my mouth on those occasions defy all logic and reason).  Over the years, one recurring way that this seems to happen is when I am trying to speak and think at the same time.  Clearly, these are two incredibly complicated tasks.  It's not that I don't think before I speak, in fact, it's quite the opposite.  Sometimes I think way too much before I speak.  Let me demonstrate with an example of what goes on inside my head versus what my mouth ends up saying during a typical conversation.

Brain:  Oh dear.  This seems to be a problematic situation that this individual is describing to me.  Very troubling indeed.  Hmm... is this trouble or a problem?  Oh god.  She's looking at me like I should be saying something.  Wait, am I supposed to be agreeing or disagreeing?  Fuck.  This shit's way too hard. Oh no, I still haven't said anything.  This is distressing...  Quick!  AGREE!!

What actually comes out:  Buuuuhhh... I, uh, well you gots troblems... ??

I end up being totally incapable of choosing between one of two words, sometimes words that don't sound anything alike or have any kind of similar meaning and before I can decide which to use, the words are already coming out of my mouth and it's too late to not sound like a drunk retard.


Lately though, my brain has been finding new and interesting ways to keep me from succeeding in... well, in pretty much anything.  Case in point:  I am pretty god damn sure I have ADHD of some kind.  Wait, are there even multiple kinds of ADHD??  I don't know.  I am not a scientist.  Please do not judge me.

Anyway, I have got way too much energy.  When the mail comes, I sprint to the road and then jump back like a 5 year old girl who's had a few too many pixie sticks to be able to sit still, even though it's probably just some stupid political fliers and maybe a reader's digest (which is just a filthy, stupid publication, by the way).  Shit, I lost my train of thought.  See what I mean?  I got distracted by a television commercial that had a submarine.  And then for some reason I started thinking about bears.  And then I just HAD to put on my fingerless gloves so I could feel like a hobo when I go outside to smoke my cigarette.  Is it possible for ADD to come on later in life?  I don't know about that.  Someone smarter than me is gonna have to answer that question.

Anyway, I'm tired of talking about this and it's really cold out here.  So I'm gonna finish my menthol.  You just keep doing what you do.

Seacrest.  Out.